Dear Anxiety and Depression,
You had me.
You had me on my knees.
You had me hiding from my family and friends.
You even had me hiding from myself. I wonder a lot why you chose me as your constant companion. Why my mind is always racing with …
what’s next… what more can I do… what if I fail… will I be worthy…What now.
I had no idea that I was so ashamed and embarrassed of my vulnerability. The constant buzzing in my ears made my heart pound, my hands sweat and my stomach ache with nausea. The phantom chest pains that held me back from the joy, the collaboration and the experiences have had me crippled.
I have been afraid for 9 months. …Afraid that you were going to keep me your victim forever…Afraid you were going to keep me on my knees without a light, without a vest….Afraid you were going to take my control.
But I am my own villain, and I am trying to claw my way out.
Vulnerability is not a weakness! it is the courage of being 100% inside your own emotion; positive or negative and being completely in IT! I’ve had to take the leap and learn to “Lean in” to understand its cause, and its affect on me. I’ve had to learn to feel fear, to feel the scariest thing I could imagine- feeling every one of my emotions.
I have had to learn to let go of the CONTROL
I am facing my emotions through courage and NOT alone. I do not blame, I am not a victim- I just AM. I do not feel like I need to defend my emotions- just own them and know them so that I can take one step out of this heaviness.
As I experience my guilt, depression, anxiety, gratitude, and optimism – I am feeling LOVE- true LOVE in all of its intimacy. I am beginning to hear opinions of myself without defense or anger. Instead embracing, learning and beginning to KNOW myself better than I ever have.
I am starting to breathe without holding
But I am starting to slowly peel off the armor
I can feel the numbness dissipate
I am not perfect and I am not ashamed
I am vulnerable- vulnerable to the emotions that I am courageously feeling.
I thank you- for giving me this time to slow down, reflect and learn the valuable lessons that you have taught me this year. I will continue to grow and to take it all in.
- If you are experiencing anxiety or struggling through depression, my only advice to you is – embrace the vulnerability of being in the emotion. Feel it long enough to answer… Where am I avoiding my emotion? Who am I blaming?